


Saudade

by orphan_account



Series: the beautiful and the profound (words) [4]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Insanity, M/M, Reflection, Visions, inspired by the hds music vid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-04
Updated: 2017-02-04
Packaged: 2018-09-22 01:17:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9575420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: (n.) a deep emotional state of nostalgic longing for an absent something or someone that one loves, it often carries a repressed knowledge that the object of longing will never return.He’s safe now. He’s safe now. He’s safe now.But you’re not.





	

He’s pushed into the back of the car by gentle hands, they’re cold but they’re soft, handling him as though he’s made of glass. His lungs feel as though they’re made of paper, everything is an effort even the smallest movements. He can’t feel anything, fingers numb from the winter air, mind numb from the grief. 

He sees him then, in the rear-view mirror, stood in the middle of the road, but when he looks out the back window there’s no one there, no figure disappearing off into the distance. He squeezes his eyes shut and wills the memories away but he can’t stop them playing on loop, blue hair, then red, then yellow, then brown again, hooded hazel eyes filled with tears. He imagines the car going up in flames, swallowing him whole, but his eyes open and reality snaps back into focus, the same cold roads stretch on for miles and he’s still here, and Josh is still gone. 

He sits in the ringing silence, uncomfortable, unable to sit still he’s antsy as he catches a sight in the rear-view mirror again. A tongue pressed between perfect teeth, the glint of a nose ring catching the light, but it’s gone as soon as he sits forward. 

He looks at the driver, he’s a hooded figure, snarling and dark and Tyler thinks if he removed the hood he’d find nothing but a soul sucking blackness, the deepest shade of black that might feel like oblivion, but red eyes would peek out of them, not even blinding light would stop their gaze from haunting him. He sits back, blinks and the driver is back to being human. 

There’s a figure in the road, they’re going to hit him, Tyler closes his eyes, so does the figure, both brace for impact. Tyler thinks he feels the car swerve and he opens his eyes in time to catch the figure still stood in the road, free from harm, purple curls falling over his furrowed brow, Tyler clutches his chest with relief before he remembers, before the lead weight of grief lands directly on his shoulders once again. 

_He’s safe now. He’s safe now. He’s safe now._

_But you’re not._

The car is pulling up to its destination now. The black iron gates of the cemetery opening slowly, Tyler is shaking as he’s guided out the car. 

It’s not long before he’s breaking down, face buried in the earth, he’s choking on dirt but he doesn’t care, he’s filthy, snotty and broken and he won’t stop screaming even though hands are yanking him up and away from the grave. Desperate voices trying to comfort him, to quiet him. 

“Stop causing a scene.”

“Not here, not in front of his family.”

“Come on, shhh, it’s going to be alright now.”

Tyler is quiet then, too quiet. He’s gone again, staggering into the woods beyond the grave, he’s an empty vessel, and then like a true Shakespearean tragic hero he’s screaming out. Laughing hysterically at the irony of it all, that he’s back to being the broken boy who screams amongst the trees. 

“Hello.” He shouts, laughing and crying and wiping snot from his nose. His breath is dancing in front of him, taunting him, telling him he’s still alive when he knows he doesn’t deserve to be. 

His eyes flutter closed as colours flash over his eyelids again. Pink, Josh is in front of him a hand on his cheek, he’s wiping away the tears, but when Tyler opens his eyes all he sees is cold, frost covered, stripped bare trees trunks. He closes his eyes again, blue, Josh is further away now laughing and Tyler laughs too, but it echoes back in the white noise and his face falls. He takes another shuddering breath, his nails digging into his palm so hard his knuckles turn as white as his bleached soul, yellow, its glowing green under the stage lights but then suddenly its bright yellow again and the crowd is screaming so loud but he can’t hear anything other than his heart pounding hard in his ears and Josh’s arm is around his shoulder and they’re bowing, but when he stands up, there’s no one stood beside him anymore the crowd have all left, wait no, they never came. 

He falls to his knees on stage, in the forest, by the grave, he doesn’t know how he made his way back there, how he’d picked himself off the floor and staggered back, muscles aching heart torn in half. Or maybe he never left? 

He thinks he might be bleeding out into the flowers that have been neatly placed there. Something jabs into his ribs and he suddenly remembers the unfamiliar weight in his inside pocket, teary eyed, hands covered in cuts, bloody and muddy he pulls two red drumsticks from his pocket and rests them at the base of the tombstone, next to the flowers that are already wilting in the snow that’s started to fall. Wet and mushy, it won’t stick, nothing ever sticks, Tyler thinks. He stares at the drumsticks, hands shaking. He knows he will never pick up a set of drumsticks again, he can’t even look at a drum kit without feeling the world fall apart, this was Josh’s dream too, it’s not right without him. 

He knows Josh must be in heaven now right now, because he’s in Hell and Josh isn’t here, it’s just him knelt on his grave, his demons at his side, red eyed and pulling at his skull, locking up his chest and tying strings through his scars and pulling him through the daily routine like a puppet on strings. Tyler looks up then, snow gathering on his lashes but quickly mixing into his tears. He wrings his hands and chokes out a prayer and hopes and wills and begs that Josh is safe. 

_Josh is safe. Josh is safe. Josh is safe._

_But Tyler’s not._

A cold bony hand pulls at his shoulder, coaxes him away from the grave, rubbing his shoulders and then his back, guiding him away and Tyler sings one last choked out “hello” as he rests his hand over the name, tracing the inscription with numb shaking fingertips. He will never say goodbye, he can’t it would destroy the only shred of sanity he has left, the only lifeline he has and he’s clinging to it so hard his hands are shredded and bloody. Or was that from where he fell?

Someone places him back into the car and he stares ahead, in another universe, another life where Josh didn’t die and Tyler did instead. He watches as the car falls apart in sync with his will to live, the doors fall off and the roof rips open like a tin can being opened. He can feel the wind rushing past his features, its burning around him again and he wonders if he could just fall out onto the road, it’s like he’s on a ride at the theme park and he wants to get off, but he knows he can’t he knows the yellow haired boy isn’t really in the road, he’s not in his bunk on the bus, he’s not in LA with his friends, he’s not in Columbus with his family falling asleep on his sisters couch with his arms round her cat, he’s not playing drums on stages across the world, he’s not really in the middle of the road. 

_He’s not real. He’s not real. He’s not real._

_But Tyler’s pain is._

He snaps his eyes open to find he’s rolled the window down, he rolls it back up with a shiver. Everything is cold, Josh is heat, he always radiated warmth, now his fire inside him is snuffed out, Tyler’s bitterly aware of the draft. Sun and Moon, but what is the moon, if it cannot reflect the sun; it’s just a lump of rock, useless, dark, pointless. 

“Tyler we’re here now.” A soft voice says from outside the bubble he’s sealed himself in. He’s pulled out the car, harsh metal clicks around his wrists as he reads the large italic writing across the grey walls towering above him. 

_‘Belle Reve – til death do us part’_

_Beautiful dream_ , Tyler thinks, _Josh was a beautiful dream._ But death didn’t do them part, not really, Josh is still there or maybe Tyler just died a little bit with him too.


End file.
